Dating, as we generally know it, is largely an artifact of our industrialized culture. As we moved away from self-subsistence modes of existence to division of labor and ever-increasing levels of specialization, we ended up with the cultural luxuries of more leisure time, more expendable income, and better forms of transportation. By the time of the Roaring ’20s, dating had drastically changed. Before this, courting had been a formal process that usually took place in homes under the watchful eyes of parents; and, moreover, it was an indication of some level of commitment.

With the emergence of the city culture came the new form of dating. It was informal, unchaperoned interaction with no specific commitment. Rules were no longer established by the community but by the peer group. Instead of spending time in the home, dating was “going out.” With the increased ownership of cars and with young people being permitted to be alone for long hours, “public dating” became the accepted practice. So, here we are.

However, rather than allowing our culture to determine our dating behavior, we can look to the Bible for instruction as to what God thinks about such relationships and how He wants us to behave. Let us take a look at a few of the many questions that may be posed by young people grappling with dating issues. In so doing, we can get a glimpse of some of the proper principles for dating.

1. Do I have to date?

Instead of enjoying their teen years as a time for building skills and character, some young people feel pressured to date. Who said you have to date anyway? Over 50 percent of girls and over 40 percent of guys never date in high school. So understand that you are not “weird” if you are not dating. Don’t get bogged down in relationships for which you are not emotionally and spiritually ready.

2. How involved are my parents to be in this process?

God clearly intends for our parents to give us direction concerning dating. Parents are commanded not to exacerbate their children, but instead to “bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). If parents are to play an essential role in the dating habits of their children, they will need to work at developing a deeper, more personal relationship with their teenage children during this crucial period in their lives. They should look for opportunities to spend leisure time with them, doing things they enjoy. Open communication channels will allow parents to pass along proper values in dating and relating to those of the opposite sex. Initial discussions concerning dating, purity, and sex are good; but there needs to be follow-up discussions.

Particularly helpful for teenagers entering into the dating arena would be for parents to tell about their joys and pains in dating relationships, the infatuations they went through, temptations with which they struggled, and their failure and accomplishments in relating to the opposite sex.

3. Do I need parental approval to begin dating?

It is true that the Bible gives ample illustration of parents arranging marriages for their children. I am not suggesting that you need to follow that cultural practice. However, you are commanded to “Honor your father and your mother” (Ex. 20:12). This means being submissive to them as your God-given authority structure. Whether Christian or not, your parents need to be involved from the beginning. If your parents raise objections, it is a good indication that this may not be the right person or the right time. Pray until God gives you or your parents new instructions. This applies to both sets of parents.

4. Whom can I date?

Only date people with whom you are compatible. “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Cor. 6:14). The easy point here is that you should never date a person who is not a Christian. However, this applies to Christians as well. One person may be committed to the Lord, while the other may be worldly. “Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Cor. 15:33). You should be careful to date only committed Christians and those who are a compliment to the mission God has given you.

5. How can I keep myself pure?

Be responsible for your own purity. “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Therefore, honor God with your body” (1 Cor. 6:15, 20). God expects you to keep yourself pure. Society has communicated the expectation that a boy is to look to the girl for indications as to when he may become unchaste in his advances toward her. True responsibility lies with each. In fact, we are admonished, “Treat younger men as brothers…and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity” (Tim. 5:1-2). Treat your date as your sibling? I think you get the point. You do not want anyone taking advantage of your brother or sister, either sexually or emotionally.

A basic guideline is that the more physically involved the dating relationship, the worse off it is. In marriage, sex is the most intimate expression of committed love that binds two people together. Outside marriage, it has the opposite effect. It becomes a hindrance to the development of mature love and the development of solid communication. The best way to keep from sexual immorality is to develop the conviction to have a pure relationship from the beginning. Establish your convictions and limits at the beginning and then maintain them throughout your dating relationship. You cannot “flee from sexual immorality” (1 Cor. 6:18) if you are tempting yourselves through carelessness. Choose to make yourself accountable to your parents and godly counselors. Encourage them to ask you the tough questions.

6. Is there only one person whom God has picked out for me?

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). Instead of frantically searching for the right person through romantic dating, why not seek the Lord first and trust Him to bring that special person into your life? Instead of spending time looking for the “perfect” date, concentrate on becoming a better person yourself and being all that God wants you to be. If you let Him, God will lead you to a mate that is suited to you. This does not mean that you should sit at home and wait for God to send that person to your front door. He expects you to choose and to choose wisely. It is certainly appropriate to ask God to lead you to various places where there are other Christians like yourself.

7. Will I ever fall in love?

Some have actually taught that it is a sin to “fall in love.” Their logic goes like this: when you fall, you don’t know where you are going to land. God wants us to be more in control. “Listen, my son, and be wise; and keep your heart on the right path” (Prov. 23:19). We are to guide our emotions rather than be led by them.

There are cultures where romance is considered irrelevant to marriage. One author concludes that in such cultures, there seems to be less social disintegration stemming from divorce and even an enviable sort of peace and happiness based on the security of stable family relationships. Moreover, a sincere affection eventually is recognized in many of these arranged marriages.

Conventional wisdom today says that a person should marry the one he or she loves. The Bible teaches us to love the one we marry! Love is a choice—an act of the will. “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” (Phil. 4:4). But what if you don’t feel joyful? Rejoice anyway! As you obey the command from your will, even when you don’t feel joyful, the emotions of joy generally begin to appear unexplainably. The emotions follow you, rather than leading you. Similarly, you are exhorted to “Put on love” (Col. 3:14). But isn’t it hypocritical to act lovingly when I don’t feel love? Not if it is an act of sincere obedience!

8. How serious a matter is engagement?

God’s people are to avoid making promises they cannot or will not keep. The Psalmist gives us a list of attributes of those who may dwell in God’s presence. Among these is he “who keeps his oath, even when it hurts” (Ps. 15:4). Engagement is at least similar to betrothal in Bible times. In betrothals, it took legal divorce on scriptural ground to revoke the betrothal covenant. God’s message to us is that engagement should not be entered into lightly. It is not a final trial period before making the truly binding vows.

Let’s take this a step further. Dating is not just “recreational romance” in which each party intentionally endeavors to cultivate the other’s desire, while recognizing the relationship is most likely temporary. Dating is a serious business! One writer warned against couples becoming romantically involved too soon by becoming one heart before they become “one flesh.” Such dating can involve “emotional promiscuity” which is more likely a preparation for divorce than for marriage!

In conclusion, don’t rush the process. Be patient! Your first priority is to know God. “Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness” (Matt. 6:33). From this relationship all of life falls into proper place.

Instead of dating, have fun experiencing the joy of spending time with others in family and group gatherings. Clean friendships in group settings can replace the romantic pressures of a date. When young people develop friendships with the opposite sex, they can relax and be themselves without trying to impress another person. Group outings that provide a variety of activities allow teens and young adults to get to know each other under different circumstances. Churches should provide opportunities through activities like birthday parties, community service, Bible studies, prayer meetings, short-term missions, picnics, etc. During these years, young people should be able to relax and have the privilege of being friends with both boys and girls.

—Ken Farmer is Vice-President for Academic Affairs and Academic Dean at God’s Bible School and College.